29 April 2007
Location: My home, Benin City
The rainy season has begun. I love the smell of oncoming rain, especially when the water meets the air and the thirsty, dry earth. It is a charged smell, almost electric. I ache for the fresh coolness…relief. The rains have come a bit late this year. I look forward to the lushness of green foliage, and the sweetness of fat mangos, my favorite fruit of the season.
I was supposed to begin my interviews this month. I returned to Benin partly to avoid any madness associated with the elections, and partly because I had planned to start talking to people. If I knew better, I would have just stayed in Ibadan, in the sheltered environment of campus. I would have gotten quite far with my documentary research; I left so much undone. I struggle with self-criticism daily. As it is now, I have spent the better part of this month waiting. Uncle Newman and cousin Otite, who are to help me make connections for interviews, had cautioned me to wait until after the elections to start. It is now time to begin.
I have been in contact with a lawyer who has worked with the Delta State government these past few years as the Speaker of the House. He has some experience carrying out oral history for a couple of projects, one of which was led by a well-known Niger Delta historian, E. J. Alagoa. It may be better to work through this man than with my family connections, since he has some experience, and he is not kin. I may be more efficient working with him. He has already drawn up a list of people to speak with, and I have created an introductory letter and questionnaire.
Let’s hope I can get started, regardless of the swearing-ins, and political transitions going on in Abuja. The elections have come and gone, and now people are saying they really won’t be available until after the swearing-in of office, and after the electoral disputes have been settled. So many government positions are under dispute at the moment. It is unclear how they will be resolved. The courts seem to be struggling to stay independent of the politics, and some of the state government positions are under scrutiny. I hope we can start to have a wee bit of faith in at least our judiciary. I might be too optimistic.
I am not sure whether to qualify my stasis as boredom or depression. I have more and more days where I do not feel like getting out of bed, and sometimes I don’t. Part of it has to do with avoiding my hypervisibility when I step out of my front door. I just don’t want to be seen, and therefore targeted for the various kinds of attention and extortion that being “white” carries here. Another part of it has to do with not having the energy to go out there and hustle, as we all must do, everyday. We exert so much energy just to physically get around on these mad streets and through these rotten institutions.
Sorry for the pessimism. I can’t push myself through it right now, and I don’t like myself like this… So, I’m sitting with it until it subsides.